Editor’s note: Annessa Hart is the Dean of Students at the Jr/Sr High
When we first become parents, our infants look to us for every single need; the efforts can be exhilarating and exhausting depending on the hour of the day. We are in complete awe of the tiny blessing before us, and we also feel the enormity of the responsibility that comes with raising children.
As our children grow into curious toddlers and preschoolers, we chase them around the playground, the zoo, the grocery store, the house, and watch them develop a small sense of freedom and individuality. We usher them through this vast exploration phase with pride and awe of how they are growing up, and yet the twinges of separation tug at our hearts. Thankfully, the independent toddler who loves the word “No!” one moment will also still call for “Mama” when they need soothing.
And then, seemingly overnight, our children hit adolescence—they are now closer to adulthood than childhood, and we can feel adrift in our parenting repertoire. At this age our children yearn to stretch their horizons, be in charge of their own decisions, and develop their new sense of self without much input from us. What happened to the child who needed me? Why does my sage advice now elicit eye-rolls and sass? Do I let them go it alone? How do I assist my child without over-supporting them? Parenting our children during those pre-teen and teen years suddenly feels foreign and confusing because our previous role of shepherd and safeguard now seems obsolete.
However, we are still very necessary in helping our children navigate this time of adolescence—it just needs to look a little different than what we are used to.
A few years ago when I was learning the ropes of parenting a teenager for the first time, I was lucky enough to come across an article that described parenting teenagers from the view of a “potted plant.” Having worked with teenagers my entire adult life, I looked forward to the days of shepherding my own children through their teen years. And, as you might guess…“looking forward” to teenagehood was naive, and even foolish on my part. So, in my slightly desperate moments of Google searches, when this article came across my screen, I was very willing to consider myself as a “potted plant.” I read on in hopes that some part of this journey would begin to make sense.
Parenting teens, especially in their early teen years, is no joke! All the parenting skills from toddler and elementary years seemed to be useless at this stage…and yet I knew that I could not simply retreat and allow him to figure it out all alone. And so, I became a “potted plant.” The author of this article suggests that potted plants hang in the background, but not far from view. The potted plant is present, but not invasive. The potted plant is a steady, predictable, consistent presence. The author writes, “While normally developing teenagers seek new levels of emotional and physical distance from their parents perhaps they, like toddlers, feel most at ease when their folks balance active engagement with detached availability.” (Lisa Damour, 2016)
This idea resonated with me as I was struggling to find ways to connect with and support my young teen, while also giving him space to find success and those “just right” struggles on his own. I quickly found that when I tried to offer support—without his desire—that I was immediately dismissed and he would shut down. But when I stood at a distance, cooking dinner while he did homework at the kitchen table, then he would take those opportunities to share tidbits, and I would simply listen. I avoided phrases like, “when I was your age,” and instead offered support like “that sounds tricky, but I bet you have an idea what to do next.” I promise you, it was hard for me and I would lapse into “suggestion mode” at times. But, the less I said, the more I listened, the more willing he was to share. While my heart was still filled with angst, I watched my child developing into an adult on his own terms, and believe it or not, he occasionally would ask, “What should I do, Mom?” It was difficult to resist the urge to share all my experiences and wisdom, but it was also more fulfilling to say, “I don’t know…what do you think will work?” And he would often respond with something a bit more polished and mature than I expected. Those were moments of joy that I wouldn’t have experienced if I had given him “the answer” instead of prompting him to share his thoughts…building his confidence, independence, and self-awareness.
I promise you that I never get it all right—parenting is a constant journey of learning, and I make more mistakes each day, but existing as a potted plant—consistent, steady, predictable—brought me a lot of comfort and helped improve my relationship with my child. A dear friend of mine once told me, “it isn’t your job to be your child’s friend, but you do want to raise him to be an adult you want to be friends with.” The potted plant approach has helped me find more ways to build that type of relationship with my children. While it is bittersweet to say goodbye to those sweet years when they are “little,” I feel a little more assurance watching them grow up, knowing they are finding who God desires them to be, and taking the path laid before them with confidence, grace, and joy.
